Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’