Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.