Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”