Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

ㅤ

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.