Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Thinking about Jeff

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream