Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

what’s really going on

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Sheep

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.