Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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is this how new cars are made??
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?