Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
two people or more is called a problem
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.