Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

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Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home


In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.


My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.


If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob


And then whiskey said “tweet that, it’s hilarious”. But whiskey was wrong. So very wrong.


When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.


What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.


Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.


I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.