Boss: You’re late
Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time
Boss: That would make today Saturday
Me: You’re right. I’ll go home
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
And then whiskey said “tweet that, it’s hilarious”. But whiskey was wrong. So very wrong.
When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.