Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good