me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
