me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
smh
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
