Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

Autocarrot sucks!

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

much to think about

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down