Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.