@tweetsaboutdog

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

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@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@wesjohnson8

It was awkward when she said, “And yet your feet are so big.”

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.