@tweetsaboutdog

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

You Might Also Like

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@lafix

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.