@momTruthBomb
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
@tweetsaboutdog
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
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@momTruthBomb
@TheToddWilliams
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
@TheHyyyype
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
@thesulk
“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”
@Iwriteforcats
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
@lafix
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
@CorkyKneivel
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
@SamuelHLowe
– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.
@jake_likes_naps
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
@3sunzzz
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.