Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

hand it over!

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…