Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
how it started vs how it ended
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.