Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

I got soap in my shower beer again.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans