ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
