ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Always a housemaid, never a house.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”