ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.