ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The pasta is now
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.