Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.