Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Introverted vegans go meetless

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare