Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

The fall of Netflix

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.