Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.