Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely