ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Yup!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Huge if true.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat