Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times