Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me in tagged photos
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.