Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now