me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
my first dose meeting my second
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.