Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Yes 😂

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

LOL!

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?