Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: Will you miss me?
Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up