me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*


*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*


Me: Will you miss me?

Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern


Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.


Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir


People don’t frolic enough anymore.


I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.


I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up