me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!