Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced