Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

ㅤ

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.