ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My whole life was a lie.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
2 years later
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.