Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

here we go again

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.