Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]