Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?