Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.