Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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(by @ZachWeiner )
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
X-tra spooky blend
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.