Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning