Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?![]()
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Breaking news:
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday