Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

who named him groot and not spruce lee

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second