Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..