Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Good lord

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.