Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

🐴

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.