Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.