Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids