Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

a public service announcement

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

the composer

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.