me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
sometimes we need to be reminded
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?