Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

me doing my best

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?