me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

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What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*


Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]


[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.


I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE


What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?


#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F


Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}


You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma


#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.