me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.