Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*