Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

back to work

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho