Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.