Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]