Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.