Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

☠️☠️☠️

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills