Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

everyone’s a critic

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Can’t. Being lazy.