Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?