Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.