Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

My recliner and I go way back