Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Alexa turn off the planet
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.