Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”