Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

I will never stop laughing at this

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.