Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
