Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

I don’t think my car can fly

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.