Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
