Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Happens to everyone.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.