Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Tastes like chicken.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning