Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.