Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it