Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

the three branches of government

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”