Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

What if the weather talks about us?

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.