Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?