Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

😬

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

A new level of troll.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*