Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

💀💀

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife