Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts